To preface, the names in this will be changed so that someone cannot search the names of the parties here and leverage it against them when they 'find something'. Hi, I'm Theo (changed for safety) and my fiance's name is Rem (changed for safety) and we're trying to escape the abusive situation we've found ourselves in. For the rest of this whole spiel, I will be referring to Rem as my husband because we might as well be married but were told we could not get married for fear of it 'fucking with his check'. Starting at the beginning, Rem and I met online and have been together for years, when I finally moved in with him, it was with his mother as well. Rem has had health complications throughout his life and has a disorder that makes it so that he can't work and he's been getting a disability check for that. He has never held his own check or been able to even see how much he gets, his mom has had a stranglehold on all of his information since before I was even a factor. Rem didn't think anything of it at the time because why would he? She said she liked me before I got there as I heard her on the phone, but I could tell after the first day that things weren't going to go as planned. I had no idea how the house worked yet or where anything was and, on top of that, I have severe anxiety and social anxiety that, at the time, wasn't being treated. (I am much more capable now and the end game is for me to get a job in all this, for what it's worth) BUT she decided to fly off the handle and lose her mind that I had set a bowl on the counter instead of washing it and it wasn't just a 'YOU SHOULD WASH THIS' it was a 'she's just sitting down there and she can't even wash one fucking dish' so I came up to defend myself in saying I had no idea where rags, soap, etc were.. so she told me, begrudgingly, but kept the attitude. I should have known then how bad it would be, but I love my husband and I wanted (and still want) to stay with him, so I put up with these mini blow-ups and jabs at my person, including the time I twisted my back so badly in the shower I couldn't move IN bed for like 18 hours and she came down threatening me with calling an ambulance (knowing I was socially terrified) if I didn't get up to go pee, and for the next couple of weeks demanded I walk around and 'work the pain out' when, in fact, I could barely get up out of the bed half the time; this also included things about how lazy I was and the fact that I was resting was the reason my back was still messed up, and you get the idea from there. I eventually got better and I was doing more. Out of nowhere, it was dropped on me that there was a contract that was in play that Rem hadn't informed me about (and wasn't a contract so much as verbally saying that I would help around the house) that meant I had to clean the bathroom, living room, kitchen, hallways, baseboards, dishes every night even if only she had used dishes, etc and somehow read her mind on when they should be done. I suffered the verbal abuse and started doing them, but sometimes when I'd go to do them she'd tell me to do them tomorrow, then have us busy for days so I couldn't, then yell that I wasn't doing it again. Another flag that should have sent me running, but alas. This went on for about a year, my first year might I add, and then Rem proposed to me on our anniversary and things slowly started to turn. Through all of this time in this house I was told that I 'made my rent' in sweat equity, which is fine, I don't mind doing chores, but the way it was phrased made me feel like a commodity. I got approved for EBT and have never held the card for myself, it's used on 'groceries for the house' which is also fine, but that wasn't enough either. Any time she'd get mad in that time she'd come back on the money, and always does come back on it, saying that she can't afford to keep the house and she's busting her ass to keep it (remember, we don't know what Rem's check even is but she says it's low and doesn't really help her at all.) Again, she has most of our records in a file cabinet for 'safe keeping' and wanted to be our authorized representative in all things (for control, and now I see this) and therefore gets correspondence about everything involving our medical and etc. I have remedied this recently for myself by changing contacts and things, but we'll see how that goes. We still have to find a way to get Rem's information because he's never held his Social Security Card and doesn't even know his number. These are things a mother wants you to know. These are things you should know (I've known mine since I was seven at my mother's behest.) The cost of keeping us was brought up a lot, along with her health and the fact that she almost bankrupted herself to keep Rem alive as a kid. It shouldn't be lobbed as a barb in conversation with your kid. It shouldn't be used at all, but this is the same woman that when I said I swear on my parents that I was telling the truth yelled at me that they were dead as viciously as she could until I walked off crying. She has threatened to put the house up for sale, move Rem into government housing and get her own apartment, telling me that the government housing was loud and gross and full of cockroaches and they wouldn't let me live with him because we're not married (and can't be, if you remember) and all of these things. This is one of her favorite go-to's when she's decided to go nuclear. It didn't matter what I did for her or when I did it, she just couldn't tolerate my existence and the fact that her son was having a thought of his own. She could feign giving a shit about me sometimes, but it never lasted. Suddenly I was lazy all the time, I was awful, I let Rem carry something for me and I was awful and lazy (even if I was carrying everything else) OR, and this is the real kick in the uterus, that I was treating him like an n-word because I asked him to grab pain meds from downstairs for his mom's back when we were both having a flare-up of the back pain issues. She found reasons to get angry more and more frequently and that rage was generally pointed at me because she thought she had Rem under her thumb. Cut to Christmas, in which she got us some gifts and gave me a 250-dollar gift card which was very sweet, and everything seemed fine. She kissed my cheek, thanked me for helping in her business and handing me a 50 dollar bill, and then... all hell broke loose. It was a new year but the situation just got worse. She lost her mind at both of us and Rem finally stood up for me (and himself) in defending the situation. That didn't sit right with her because she was used to totaling control — and I say this with the full knowledge I have now rather than what I had then — and being able to manipulate Rem with sentiment and abuse that he didn't even recognize because it was so commonplace. When someone says 'Trust me it's easier to just let it go' you know that the situation is not right. I remember her screaming on the phone and screaming down the stairs at him how if he'd disrespected her and she'd been black it wouldn't have stood and throwing his father (who passed away) in his face as well. How she was getting old and dying and he was just so disrespectful and she doesn't need us but we can't leave because we'd never survive without her. Another big theme of hers is we're dead if we're on our own. My husband will throw a seizure and die or his cancer will come back and I just can't... she was in a full meltdown and we were finally eating the full bore of the manipulation and gaslighting in a brilliant fire to our faces. It might have been the first time Rem realized how bad it was, especially when I was sobbing. She, however, didn't let it go and Rem and I started looking for a way out. Friends helped up, ponying up some money and offering us help but while we were doing all this she came down with Covid, and given that she's his mom and we're not monsters, Rem and I took care of her and got her well again. This led to a lunch with Rem in which she convinced him it would never happen again, offered up 'allowances' to us, to take her calls outside, all this stuff (which we rejected, mind you because that's not what any of this was about) and convinced Rem to stay, in which I agreed. We had the money from our long-supportive friends put away as a nest egg in case this came up again, but it ended up getting eaten up by the cost of living here and dealing with the days she wasn't capable of even being human. We tried, and for a while, it was pretty good. She still had hissy fits now and again but we let it go because it was better than the alternative (how many red flags is that now?) She didn't blow up or threaten but she still lobbed those same situations in softer tones, or to me when we were in private. The newest catalyst was her boyfriend who, if she was fighting with him, I got to take the abuse when she couldn't yell at him. She had me sobbing on the way home one time because I was 'killing her son' by not washing dishes correctly (I wash dishes fine, trust me) and that's why she was always sick and she can't trust me to take care of him or anything. This had piggybacked off of her fight with the boyfriend and the fact that my doctor's appointment had taken too long (a thing I can neither control nor predict, and don't get me started on how she wanted me to go to a doctor so badly, to begin with, she bullied me about it but now that it comes to me going to free appointments or picking up my meds, which are also free, it's too much; I take too much medication, blah blah blah) and used that to tear into me for everything that she'd been holding and documenting for that entire 'good' period. This included bringing out a letter that said Rem had applied for a credit card (neither of us did) and that we were liars and duplicitous and she can't trust him anymore) and I said it had to be a scam or something because it wasn't for us. She yells at me that she's seen I applied for credit cards because she throws the things away because I can't afford it (they were generally automatic offers from my bank and those aren't generally marked with 'CREDIT APPLICATION DENIED' or anything so she opened my mail and then threw it away, more on that later) and I said I didn't but even then I wonder why I was defending it. It was my business, but again I was willing to ignore red flags even after the January meltdown of the previous year. She holds onto things that she can use to keep fueling an argument and will assume things to keep them going. her favorite now is to ask when we're moving out because I am 'obviously planning something' without asking ME and instead talking to Rem and telling HIM to ask me 'why' we're moving out. It also includes yelling that she's dying from an affliction and has been fighting it and no one helps her (even though we do as I position myself to do all of her heavy lifting and things like that, unless she does it without me seeing, but we should always read her mind on these things) at her son... who has a stress related seizure disorder (her words) and, at one point during the credit card thing I tried to defuse by saying we could yell about it later because it looked like Rem was going to have a seizure and she said she didn't care. That's when I realized it was all downhill. I held my tongue because Rem has been in this situation so long it's familiar to him. It exists as his normal, which is not good, but I hate stressing him out and for a while he would immediately cave if she was ‘nice’ shortly after a row like that. The latest one happened last night when we were literally five minutes late to coming in for dinner and she lost her mind saying we were ungrateful and that I could ‘handle everything from now on’ and ‘see how we’ll do without her’ then making two fake phone calls to other people to loudly complain about the same things and throw in other tidbits. We know they’re fake because she always uses speakerphone and any time she’d doing a fake call she doesn’t. It’s always used as a way to shit on people and she always talks as loud as possible. We used to live downstairs and she’d sit at the kitchen table on the phone with people talking about changing his disability check so he got less and things like that. She had never sat at the table on the phone before, yet here we were. Her entire arsenal is yelling at people then when they offer evidence or even reasonable doubt saying that she can’t trust you, she can’t trust anyone, and no one will ever truly have her back (even though I’m one of the only people who ever did and, even if strained, still does right now but it doesn’t mean I can be around her). The fake phone calls to stir up drama, which differs from the real ones when you can hear the other person responding in which she will STILL bitch but it’s always a little different. She said she can’t trust him anymore and that means she can’t control him anymore, and that’s it. I can’t anymore. We’re in a state because I can’t get disability right now, Rem doesn’t have access to his in any feasible way without dealing with her rage and, likely, still never seeing the money since I’m pretty sure it’s auto-drafted into her account (which I’m assuming we can fix after we’re out of here by explaining the situation.) I started to apply for jobs to start saving up money and helping out two hours before her most recent blow-up. I had plans to just ride it out and try to save up money, but I realized she’ll just say (in her anger, it’s always different depending on what serves her) that she can’t be taking me to work all the time and that I’ll just have to do something else (then a day later say I need to get a job) and leaving us exactly how she wants us, vulnerable and dependent. This includes telling us she was going to come out and clean our 'apartment' and where she puts something is where it stays, meaning we don't even have any control in our own little space. I don’t want to do it anymore. I have people that care about me and they care about Rem because of it as well. I can’t ask them to take me in for free, however, because it’s not fair and they’ve recently dealt with a big cost. I’m hoping if we can gather up enough money to offer like 5k for a couple of months to get settled in there (and an extra bit to buy Rem and me a new bed because he has joint and back issues and we can’t take this one here with us she’s pretty clear on what she ‘owns’) I can maybe make it work like that. I’ll find a job in the new city, in the same state, and get away from this. It’s what Rem’s sister Alex did. She got away and recently confessed to us that she didn’t want a relationship with her mom and that we should ‘get out’ while we can and that we’ll be happier and healthier. I believe it because Rem and I spent most of this day lying in bed and miserable because of what she did. Meanwhile, the boyfriend she’d been fighting with had come over to take her out to dinner so she’s having a grand time now probably. I can’t take it anymore. Rem can’t take it anymore. It’s not good for our mental or physical health but she knows she has us in a stranglehold. That’s why I’m asking for this. That’s why I’m explaining people have given before but that money ended up getting eaten up by us STAYING here because of her fits and how this money will be immediately drafted into a savings account to pay for our new living situation until we get his disability figured out and my job situation figured out. I don’t want to ask, I hate to ask, I’m dying for asking, but, Rem and I and our cat need to get out of here before one or both of us are broken entirely. Names have been changed because she is not at all tech savvy but does know how to type people’s names into Google and assume things off of results (she did it with his sister and started saying she was a prostitute working for the mob and was probably going to die and begged Rem to text her and get her to respond while berating her the entire time) and I don’t want to hear about this while we’re trying to get free. Any help is appreciated and thanks for reading even if you can’t help.
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