I want to start this with multiple trigger warnings. the following information includes physical abuse, child abuse, molestation, rape, choking, mental and emotional abuse, gaslighting I had been the eldest child in my egg donor (mothers) house for 24 years. In those 24 years I was choked, at only 5, for being 'too much'. I have audhd, and from 17 onwards a plethora of disabilities. Last year on September 30th 2024 I got a brain injury from falling at work. I am still not released to work, drive, and i faint/pass out frequently. The abuse I have gone through goes from food abuse, being beaten for not eating at the age of 4, molested and raped at 4 1/2 by my siblings half sister, something I was never given help for. Molested when I hit puberty, being fondled without consent and screamed at for speaking up because I couldn't 'take a joke'. I have been used as an adult since the age of 5. Being told any and everything I needed, not wanted, was going to put us on the street. My mother is my biggest bully. I came out to her because she preaches being progressive, loving, since leaving her house I have been misgendered and treated like an animal. She has sent photos of my old room (which is thrashed, because severe depression and wanting to end your life will ruin your space), she has attacked my fiances character, someone who has held me while I sobbed over not having a mother who loves me. I have done... everything for this woman. She's demanding I sign over money my grandma left me in the form of bonds. That I owe her money from 15 years old and older. She has a severe spending issue and has blamed me for it for years. Saying she 'can't say no to me' when ive never been violent when being told no? I've had to beg for period products, shampoo, bodywash. at 17 I was raped by a girl I considered my best friend. My mother refused to believe me despite blood being on the carpet. She kept inviting this girl to the house, leaving her alone with me, and eventually told me this girl was a better daughter than I would ever be. I... never had the chance to escape. I always forgave and forgot to save myself. I always piped down and would anonymously post online my rage, my fury, my anxiety. I became agoraphobic at 18. I did not leave my house for 2.5 years. When I turned 23 my mother tried ending her life. on my birthday. because I spoke up for myself. I always forgave and forgot. to save myself. At 24 I met my now soon to be husband. He has witnessed this abuse first hand. He has helped me get into therapy, I've been going once a week for a year or more now. I'm grateful for my therapist. At first... I was going to mend my relationship with my mother. To heal the anger I had. She's allowed my younger sister to physically attack me, I have pictures of my bleeding scalp, bruises, and a small stab wound. I was going to therapy to let go of that. All my life my mother has said 'I'm doing the best I can.' There is no way in physical hell this was the best someone could do. Now in therapy I work towards getting through the grieving process of having no family. My older brother defended an antisemtic rant directed at me, my mother is well.... 'doing her best', and my younger sibling is just flat out terrible. I tried working on our relationship. They gave me a fake number for the 3 years I tried my hardest to fix it. My fiance has texts from my egg donor stating she has 'been sick of me for the last 6 years', I am 26, I became disabled at 17. I came out at 18. I have audhd, pots, fibromyalgia over every inch of my body, my genitals and behind my eyelids included, pcos, mcad, a gluten issue (diarrhea and severe exhaustion), eating issues, diabetes, chronic unexplained pain, gastroparisis, Gerd (which caused ulcers in my stomach), chronic migraines (which I would end up in the hospital for on average once a week), and a slow healing brain injury that is severely messing with my vision. I'm disabled. I have applied for disability and food assistance. I have been denied food assistance with no explanation and after a year of struggling with disability I am waiting for a response. I will more than likely need a disability lawyer as no one is approved their first time. Despite the small amount of stuff I've talked about in this post (and a mountain of things I havent) I do my best every day to do good in the ways I can manage. I do my best every single day to avoid yelling when I'm angry, I work on not shutting down when I'm not heard, and I cry a lot. I never cried growing up to avoid being called 'a pussy'. for 2 weeks my egg donor held my service dog, Miller, hostage. She refused to give me my dog. The police refused to help as, up until I was 24, I had no identification so the dog was under the egg donors name. When we finally got Miller home we had a trainer come to help, she stated that Miller had the level of anxiety of a dog who had been abused. To assure everyone, Miller is happy and safe and slacking on her tasks as my egg donor refused to use my hand signa and signals. I have a lot of work ahead of me to get her back where she was originally. The way I grew up is not normal. At all. If you've happened across this and relate in the slightest I urge you to consider therapy to heal and understand that you are allowed to be disabled AND loved, you are allowed to be lgbtqia+ AND loved. But sometimes.... our family will not be the ones to love us. We make our own families and they love us and that's just as good. I've made this fundraiser to ask for help. While at my egg donors house, especially during covid, I crawled into debt. I know I am not unique in this situation. I cannot work. I have a plethora of appointments for my brain, for my pain, and for everything in between that doesn't rhyme. I have a car payment (to pay it off in full would cost 13k) I would sell it but it is currently my partners only form of transportation (he is paying for the payment), and about 8k in credit card debt from buying food I could eat during the pandemic (sugar free and diabetic safe things simply vanished in my town). I'm asking for 5k to pay my monthly bills (or pay most of them off) which total 167usd a month and for food help while I wait for potential food assistance. We go to the foodbank and distribution centers but most of the food sends me to the toilet and the food we do get is good for about 3 meals, 5 if I stretch it. Long story short, I have nothing. All my belongings are at egg donors house and she's very much so refused to give anything back. I cut contact 2 months ago, and I have no savings, no income, nothing. I take art commissions for dnd, original characters, etc. you can find more on that and my other links below as well as my ko-fi and my amazon wish list. Selling my artwork and creating characters for other people is the only source of 'income' I have. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you have a wonderful day! https://cricket-knee-farm.carrd.co/
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