“Apa” You may know our dad as “Don Carlos,” “Carlin,” or “Charlie,” but to us, his daughters, Jeanette and Araceli, we simply know him as “Gordis” and “Apa.” To his granddaughter Luna, he is “Abuelo,” the love of each other’s eyes. After an incredibly long journey to advocate and fight for a diagnosis to help understand his symptoms, he was officially diagnosed with Vascular Dementia in April 2024. He had a heart attack in 2015, and in 2024 after a routine CT scan for a nosebleed condition, we discovered that he had a stroke sometime between 2015 and 2018. The fact that he had had a stroke in 2018 was never documented in his medical chart, but it was there, in the radiology report, hidden in the medical terminology. Only to be discovered four years later in comparison to the CT scan. We were involved in his medical care and were so focused on preventing another heart attack that we and the doctors neglected to check his brain. He worked as a landscaper/gardener all throughout San Diego County for about 40 years and knew the city like the palm of his hand. He would often leave the garage open with access to all of his tools. He would tell us stories of getting lost and recounting over and over a memorable moment when he got lost in North County and stopped a police officer to ask for directions to help him get back on the freeway south, to his home. When he told us that he got lost going to the “dompe” (city dump), we knew something was definitely wrong and his memory issues were not just due to aging. The Journey to a Diagnosis Since then, we have been navigating a complicated healthcare system and after much hard-core advocating (and getting “yelly”), we finally received a neurology referral all to have had one of the worst experiences in healthcare that did not involve a culturally or linguistically appropriate memory assessment and in the end, I, his daughter who happens to be a psychologist, administered his own memory screen. At the end of the appointment, his doctor told us, “If you report me, I won’t be upset.” We finally had the privilege of connecting with an amazing Latina, Spanish-speaking Psychologist who properly assessed him, and we finally knew the beast we were dealing with, a rapidly declining, Vascular Dementia. Since then, we have been circling referrals and getting him connected with proper resources and care to the best of our abilities. It has been a VERY difficult battle. Dementia is no joke and a twisted horrible disease all because he is decompensating faster than we can keep up and we’ve been struggling to get him the resources he needs in a timely manner. We are grateful for the Glenner Alzheimer’s Family Center. The staff has been amazing with him and with us, and providing a safe place for him to be during the day, which allows us to keep working to cash flow his care. Alzheimer’s San Diego has provided emotional support and the Southern Caregiver Resource Center has helped with some of the cost. Sadly, dementia is a very costly medical condition that gets more costly as the disease overtakes your loved one and we are no longer able to sustain his declining health. Safety Concerns He has reached a point in his disease where he requires extra care and attention from qualified professionals. We have been tag-teaming his care from Day 1 and we have unfortunately reached our limit financially, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and physically. 1. He could have burned down the house in his attempts to use the stove and microwave. 2. We have different tracking devices (iPhone, Life 360 app, and Airtag on his keys and wallet) and have managed to find him when he’s wandered, but now, he’s left the house without any trackables. 3. He’s started to stay up at night and wander at 1, 3, and 5am. One morning, while we were both working, he got upset and took off, and while on the phone trying to convince him to turn around and head home, we overheard him almost get run over while attempting to cross a major intersection. That was the last day we left him alone and our lives transformed once again. 4. We are struggling to get him to shower (he’s like a cat with water!) and can rarely get him to change his clothes. 5. Luna has been a HUGE help in convincing him to take his medication and tucking him into bed. A LETTER TO OUR DAD Dear apa, We have looked at every possible option for your care that meets your needs. We have gone back and forth spending sleepless nights trying to figure this out for you. You deserve the absolute best! You have been the best dad we could have asked for. You came to a new country, learned a new language, and busted your butt climbing palm trees, burning your hands on rope as you slipped down, never stopping. You have shown us what persistence and resilience really is. We have a clear image of those hard-working hands that inspire us to keep going. Those huge, gorilla fingers, darkened by the sun, calloused and cracked, that never pressed the right number on your phone. You have transformed yards in the cold and unbearable heat all to provide us with the education we needed to fulfill our career goals. Araceli, a first-gen college student with a PhD and two master’s practicing as a Licensed Psychologist, and Jeanette, fulfilling her dream of owning her own salon. For this, we are eternally grateful for your sacrifice, love, and dedication. These careers have allowed us the independence to now take care of you. We thought we had more time with you, and we are so so sorry that we can’t keep you at home to take care of you as you deserve. You deserve a team of dementia healthcare experts that can help us be your daughter’s again and maximize the time we have left with you. We know from the bottom of our hearts that you would agree with our decision. Con todo nuestro amor (with all of our love), Araceli & Jeanette “en las buenas y en las malas, siempre estamos juntos” (in the good times and the bad, we are always together) How You Can Help Our dad finally has Medi-Cal, however, the waitlist for a memory care facility is about two years, leaving us the only option of private pay care. We are asking for help for the first six months giving us a runway to get him moved into memory care by July 21st. Due to the rapid decline, we need to move quickly because he is not safe at home. Every day that passes is a risk. All donations will be used to furnish his room, pay for his care, and make his transition as smooth as dementia possible. The 6 month runway will allow us to figure out the next steps as navigating these systems is like moving through molasses. We appreciate any assistance that you can provide and most importantly, sharing with as many people as possible. Our dad moved mountains for us, and we are doing the same for him. “Sigue adelante, pues porque no hay de otra.” Keep moving forward because there is no alternative. -- Carlos S. López Most recent video of our dad where he understands that we love him.
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