My name is Alex and I’m autistic and physically disabled. I don’t want to disclose all my medical history but I have EDS, POTS, MCAS, FND, CIU, ARFID, IH, and various other musculoskeletal conditions leading to chronic illness. I am trying to apply for disability benefits but I’m afraid as I live in a home where my mother brother and I are victims of financial abuse. I am struggling with my mental health. I am in Boston multiple times a month but my car is unsafe to drive and needs serious repairs, I can’t walk for distances beyond a thousand feet without becoming exhausted or experiencing excruciating pain. I can’t stand for more than a few minutes before blood starts pooling in my feet despite taking blood pressure medication. I haven’t been able to work and all my savings are gone. I’m a freelance artist but I can’t draw much anymore due to hand and wrist tumors and debilitating pain. I haven’t been able to draw consistently and I’m starting to fear drawing all together because of skill regression and how it shows my cognitive decline symptoms getting worse. I’m out of money and I have barely gathered even half of my medical records and I’m beyond overwhelmed. I have monthly insurance payments for my car that my mom is trying to help but she works part time because she has to care for me and bring me to appointments and make sure I take my meds on time and eat at least once a day. My bank account makes me want to cry but I can’t do anything but try and gather more of my documents and pray disability approves me first try. I’ve been borderline bedridden since late 2024. I want to have a safe car and home and to be less stressed so my health stops declining. I also need some physical therapy equipment to use at home for the Dallas protocol for my POTS to attempt to get my body to tolerate more exercise to help with some of my other physical conditions that benefit from gentle exercise when I currently cannot even walk across the a room without getting winded. I want to not feel terrified of losing everything. The house I live in has been foreclosed on multiple times with us saving it last second as best we can. I am not eligible for SNAP benefits because they no longer do it for the individual but instead the household and my brothers father makes a good salary making us ineligible for support. But what these programs don’t recognize is that there’s nuance to the situations. For us my brothers father has a severe gambling addiction and we are so behind on bills that it’s impossible for him to be rehabbed because we would lose the house and everything else immediately. I have financial trauma related issues from growing up like this and this leads to me having hoarding of resources tendencies and irrational thoughts and behaviors around resources: for example I will sometimes refuse meals and other things I need out of fear of being to costly or a burden, and the desperate need to feel more financially secure. This unfortunately has hindered any recovery for me with my eating disorders. I had temporarily started getting better but have relapsed again. My depression and money anxiety has gotten so bad that I can’t allow myself to have fun without telling myself I should be working on more productive things and trying harder to find a way to get better. I now can’t even get myself out of bed to do things I want to do or am excited for. I feel guilty all the time and hate being around friends because I hate not being able to pay for myself and not being able to do everything or stay long. I have a constant sense of impending doom. Apparently that’s a common symptom of chronic illness, but I always feel like it’s a reminder that no matter what I do there is always another disaster for me around the corner. Whether it be financial or medical. There is no winning and I feel like I have given up because my body collapsed right under me. I’m always trapped with the sense that I only drag everyone down with me. I try so hard to hide what’s going on with me because sympathy and even empathy feel like pity which makes me want to tear my skin off. I feel lesser than everyone and feel that I disappointed everyone. I have big college loans for a degree I didn’t even get to finish. No money to pay them so they just keep adding up interest accruing each day making me feel more and more hopeless. Even before my health fully collapsed thinking about my student loans would cause panic attacks and I’d start restricting everything and refusing to let others buy me things. Literally every penny counts. I have nothing going for me financially so I will thank you profusely even just for pocket change some lint and a paperclip at this point.
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