When I read this vulnerable and brave story from Analisa Madron, I felt moved to support her by starting a LFEBridge. Chronic illness can be incredibly hard to muster the resources to heal. Helping her helps us all to remember & love those that "fall through the cracks" when someone is debilitated in this way. I will be withdrawing funds on Analisa's behalf and holding them until she is ready for her treatment. From Analisa: I need help.I used to be that person who told my whole life story to anyone sitting next me at the bus stop. after many years of struggle & hardship I've become much more reluctant to reveal myself, and so it's terrifying to admit that I need help in such a public way. but I do. and so I'm asking you for your help.I've been working up my courage for a month to write this.the truth is I've been barely hanging on for years.I struggle with being too ill to work enough to support myself. I am exhausted and battle weary, just from trying to survive daily life with a chronic, debilitating illness. adding the stress of constant financial struggle, as well as the tremendous social isolation that often comes with long-term illness, and daily life becomes almost too much to bear some days.I feel like I hurl myself at life every morning, just to get through the day, even if I do nothing more than take a shower and figure out what to eat that day that will not make me feel worse. there are some days it takes more will and energy than I have to even do that much. it's hard to talk about illness that lasts for years; it's hard to talk about pain and bone weariness that is unremitting year after year. as a culture, we are afraid of illness, weakness, and failure. we are afraid of death, and all her handmaidens. as such people who are chronically ill can easily become invisible to others. to tell the truth is to risk sounding like I am complaining. to admit the extent of my illness is to risk sounding like I am exaggerating. to reveal, to be vulnerable with the truth of my experience is to risk engaging other people's fear, unspoken judgment, and pity; almost as if the failure to thrive is contagious. it is easier to minimize, hide, or make light of my actual, physical discomfort. never mind the discouragement, the profound losses that come with no longer having a normal life, the utter isolation and loneliness. it is easy to simply fall through the cracks of life, and no one even knows.this has been the single most humbling experience of my life.my current emergency situation has brought me so close to the edge I have become afraid for my survival. I have been afraid I might actually not have food. I have not paid rent for two months, and am barely managing my bills and utilities, after losing most of my access to credit. I am so behind financially that even when I am able to work again, I will not have the physical strength and health to work hard enough in my massage practice to recover from this situation on my own. I realize that I have no choice now but to ask for help.but if I am honest I have needed help for a really long time. I am struggling more than one person should have to. I am depleted, and exhausted. I could use kindness, and mercy, and support; compassion, and good old-fashioned neighborly help. I would like to change my situation.I would like to get the help I need to not only survive this current emergency situation, but to create a more sustainable life. perhaps even the possibility of pleasure and joy in my body again. I am approaching fifty next september. at some point this year it occurred to me that without a radical intervention I will be sick for the rest of my life, and will likely die this way: exhausted, sick, and in pain. I realized the absurdity of the fact that I could let this happen simply for lack of resources; or worse, simply for lack of asking people to help me. it was that moment I realized my pride could actually kill me. there is a cure for what I have––or at the least a remedy that could give me my life back. it's not even terribly expensive; by western medicine standards it would cost almost nothing. what I want to ask for most is help to get the medical treatment I need to be well. I have a good doctor, and a clear idea of the protocol I need [check out methylation repair and the glutathione cycle if you're curious; it's fascinating stuff]. it's possible that with 3-6 months of treatment I could have close to normal energy, health & vitality, and I could maybe even have a full recovery after 15 years of illness. the treatment and doctor visits will cost around $5,000, and I would also like to ask for financial support during treatment for the times that I may be unable to work. it's possible my illness might be more intractable, but even with the worst case scenario––lyme disease––I could still recover a tremendous amount of my energy and function with this treatment. even with the risks that the treatment won't be perfect I know this can change my life, and I'd like to try. my hope is to begin treatment this year to be well by my 50th birthday next september. my dream is not only to be well for myself, although I want that too, very much], but to finally be able to live fully so that I have something to give back. I have tremendous vision, passion, and talent that I have been unable to realize. there is a secret suffering to living this way, losing each day to survival, day after day, year after year, that is a bit like a waking death. I would like to live. With my juice and vitality returned to me I would have a lot to give: joy, beauty, pleasure, laughter, compassion, grace and fire to start. I would like the chance to find out what I can give and do and be. I would like to dance again, to move my body with pleasure and ease rather than pain. I would like to live the fullness of my birth. although that is possible in the face of suffering and pain, it's different, and it's not easy. and I think in my situation it's not necessary. I just need to be brave enough to ask for help, and to receive it.and so it's time for me to ask for help.I'm asking for help, and I'm asking for allies.
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